Ted Talks: 9 Things I Hate About the Holidays

By Ted Spiker

Why these two months tend to be my danger zone.

We all know that New Year’s resolutions exist in direct correlation to the 60ish days of holiday hoopla that precede them (bookended by an Oct. 31 candy gorge and a Dec. 31 diet-starts- tomorrow food-drink fest). So, yeah, while I’ll say a big, happy cheers to the holidays and all the good that can come along with them, I also have to hunker down because, if I’m not careful, my holiday theme song will surely include the lyric of “six pants-a-splittin’.”

I know you shouldn’t have to worry about every pecan treat you taste or spiked cider you sip, but it can be tricky to balance between letting it all go and staying the heck on track. As we enter the last two months of the year, here’s a rundown of the top nine things I don’t like about mixing health and the holidays.

9) The fact I can’t resist, for the better part of six weeks, subbing out coffee cream and rotating in egg nog.

8) Stories that say how many minutes of activity you need to do in order to burn off one Thanksgiving dinner, because my calculator always comes out to something like 4,509,621,221 minutes.

7) When you look at me weird just because I suggest there really should be such a thing as gravy smoothies.

6) Pulled groins that happen during the one time you try to play touch football on Thanksgiving

5) That won’t heal for four months.


3) The reality that I’ve made good progress over the last few months, I’m in a solid and consistent routine, and I’m inching toward some of my goals… And now I’m at risk of having everything get derailed, just because I’m such a clown that I can’t say no anytime someone offers me any kind of concoction that combines peanut butter and chocolate. And holy-moly-wow toffee.

2) The need to put “running shoes” on my gift list because I feel so guilty that “pancake batter” is always on my shopping list.

1) Mile-high mashed potatoes.*

*Maybe this year, I’ll downgrade to half-mile-high, because I sure as heck am not giving them up.

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